Exhausted with the present.

I have a terrible tendency to just bail out when things get rough. My track record says it all. I just want the easy way out. Let me tell you - I've been genuinely trying to get on with my life without being such a whiny baby, but the truth is I'm so so so tired. I can't even take a minute to appreciate what's in front of me because my head's in different places all the time.

If I could, I would skip ahead to this: Imagine me sitting in my home office editing photos from the show I went to the night before, drafting features for Restless Cities, preparing for my next trip, and drinking a cup of cold milk while my husband/wife (who knows?) sits in the other room, possibly his/her own office, trying to get work done without going insane as well. Maybe the record player is playing my favorite Sufjan Stevens song, maybe the TV is on, or maybe the only sound in the room is that of the wind gushing through the open window in front of my desk.

Maybe I'll be a singer in a really obscure folk band. Maybe I'll be in Singapore as a dutiful employee. Maybe I'll be in Iceland following my dreams. Maybe I'll have my twins. Maybe I'll be dead. Who knows? No one does. The blurriness of my future is a little scary, yes. But more than that, it makes me feel rather careless. Come what may. I'll be gone before you know it. That sort of thing. You get it, right? My 20s are turning out to be the best and the worst. I just don't know how long I can handle the worst part o of it without losing my mind.